Listening to Dafodil by Jamie xx

Strictly dealing in 'hair blowing in the breeze, out the uber window, on the way to the gig' moments from now on... Please join me in embracing your beautiful life, or don't.

Let me be clear angels, I’m back living in my fantasy land. Frankly it’s a relief to be here again. Waxing lyrical in a big way today and I don’t intend to try and explain it. All I know is that I’ve missed you all and life has been flowing, true sublime waves of ecstasy have been felt over the last weeks, so I want to share. Scorpio season is here.

My latest epiphany is this. We are the gas. The thought came to me in conversation with Kaitlyn this morning, as we strolled like school girls up the hill together, as she told me a friend was in need of some gassing up, and it hit me. We are the gas we all need. We are energy. Scientists don’t come for me right now, just say, “go off queen”.

We are spiritual beings having a physical experience. Our body is a skin suit. We are magical creative beings, etc etc. If you find any of this alarming then please leave now, I’m going full metaphor as you can see, the choice is yours. Now where were we.

Finding the ignition and key that flicks and kicks us into drive, this is the secret sauce. Tuning into you, physically, will unlock the tank of gas that you are, that you need, to blast your way into the oblivion of your wildest dreams. Whatever that looks like for you angels. Drop the judgements that stand in the way of you doing you.

God knows it took me too long to hit the streets and get a job in service because I was stuck in the girl boss, gate keep, gas light, chamber which was the advertising world...

So there you have it. I became so out of tune with my own animal instincts I nearly became a computer. Until the universe slapped me in the face so many times I finally came to my senses and decided to join the human experience. I rediscovered hospitality, and now, the rest is history. Thank god for that. Just realised I put the gas in gastronomy. Dead. Would this be considered as toilet humour. Who cares. I love it.

I remember my Dad telling me I have an infinite source of abundant positive energy last year over text, just casually, as you do, as he does, anyway, usually when he’s on his 3rd cup of coffee. I heard him but I seriously did not get what the hell he was saying. I don’t remember the exact context, but I know I was feeling high on life, it was when I was looking after Poet in Studio City, at dear Mollie’s beautiful home in Studio City, and doing “the work” as actors love to call it, in the lead up to shooting a short film.

I had been crying, weeping tears of joy at the reality of my life, and basking in the glow of actively building the character of Willow that I wanted to bring to life on set. To the point, I guess I was musing on the idea that I needed to control myself or rest in order to conserve my spirit somehow, in the lead up to filming. What my Dad was trying to do was reassure me that there was no need to fear what I was feeling, and I could let go of this scarcity mindset that I had, which is where this feeling of needing to protect myself, or my personal resources, comes from. Now it makes so much sense.

My friend Brisa backed this fear up the other day when she told me that we love to self sabotage ourselves by telling ourselves we’re sick or in need of rest when things are feeling too good in our lives. This hit deeply for me, as most things she says to me do. That’s the sign of a big friendship in my opinion. Deep, wise, reciprocal resonance.

Something else Brisa told me is that when we’re feeling this juicy feeling, all we have to do is take a few moments to ourself and breathe deep, before heading back out there to receive more. How long do you need? 2 hours? In transcendental meditation it takes 25 minutes to complete a session, so maybe that’s all it takes? I’ll report back.

You see, I’ve been grappling with my personal formula to happiness over the last couple of months, after the curtains closed on yet another train wreck chapter of my memoir. I’ve been grappling with the blessing that is life since I started this platform. Life since I started working at Seco and since I started stepping into my true talents.

Life changed when I found the stage I needed to perform. Life changed when I was once again in service to others. Life changed when I was finally being appreciated for the energy that I bring into the room. Not being told I’m too much for a space, but instead being encourage to take up more space, and above all, to shine on, queen.

I’m not saying performing is the key to happiness, especially not for everyone. Plus I’ll be the first to admit that it is worth seeking treatment if you get pleasure from this.

Lol.

Exhibit a, moi, 11 years deep into therapy, and thankfully very aware of the imperfections I display in this department. The strengths and weaknesses of being a thespian. We’ve all seen the movie Blonde about Marilyn Monroe, a traumatised young women who develops a character of which she embodies to get what she wants. The question is, does she actually want it? Or she is just acting out her unmet childhood needs? Do we really have free will? Lol. Yikes. Told you I’m on one today.

To be clear, I don’t trust everyone saw this movie because it got a lot of hate, and rightly so, honestly I wouldn’t recommend it to the faint hearted, and if you really want the truth, I think it was reductive, to not only distract me from appreciating an incredible woman whose legacy will long outshine many, but to also reduce an up and coming actress to play Marilyn and be forced to embody that trauma all over again… but to the point - it was the film I needed to see while I was deep in the process of studying technique and unpacking why I am choosing to be an actor. Why I want to be seen and heard. What drives me. How do I show up in life and what is my motive.

Discovering what propels us, what we need at our core, removing the shame from that, and giving it to ourselves, this is how we can get into the drivers seat of our life. And the most appropriate container/job/lifestyle/social group will look different for all of us, after all, we come in different shapes and sizes, and need different fits, don’t we.

For me, a calm but firm touch, this allows me to stay in my own vibration. Having a uniform, being forced to wear only black and white, this constraint allows me to be creative with other elements of my expression. Being thrown into the spotlight and being trusted to improvise and keep peace, this is where I thrive. Moving at the speed of light, but knowing when to slow down and take a beat, now that’s show bizz baby…

I urge you all to take stock of your needs, whatever they may be, and build yourself a daily life that feels so damn good, that you don’t want to do anything other than live it out every day.

No matter how insane your day may seem. No matter how delusional you might sound to others. No matter how out of touch with reality you might appear.

Just live your dream.

Only you know what you need. Only you can create the dream you see for yourself.

Only you can decide who you want to become. Every day is halloween if you want.

So go out and do it, angels. Try on a different costume until you find one that you love.

Walking into Sunset Tower with wings on felt like lucid dreaming this year. 10/10 would recommend it.

The irony of feeling more nervous about my costume in the confinement on my home than I did in public at a hotel restaurant... Now that just says it all. I love la so much.

Living in la is no one batting an eyelid at your costume as you walk into a restaurant. Living is realising you are the gas. Realising the costume is your character. Realising you are the force of nature that has the opportunity to create your life on the daily.

I adore you so November. I adore this cosy season. I adore the fact it’s dark at 6pm.

I adore this Scorpio queen for providing so much lovely sweetness this season <3

Til next time darlings xoxox