Listening to Diet Pepsi by Addison Rae
I'm writing again. First time since my healing era aka manic episode aka the therapy of dance years in Berlin. I was unhinged and that’s what you need to be to write. Climbing cringe mountain etc etc.
I live in Los Angeles now and feel like a teenager again. The irony of living in Berlin, (being surrounded by ketamine kick on’s and techno) and becoming the „healthiest“ version of my self (dancing away my depression going sober for months at a time quitting smoking starting a mental health podcast etc etc) is not lost on me. I’ve always been a bit extreme. My quotation marks are still European style because my keyboard hasn’t processed the fact that I’ve left Germany btw and I started writing this as a text to myself when the inspiration hit. The irony of me using German quotation marks is not lost on me considering I never spoke fluent German. Don’t come at me though because nein, danke, genau and bitte will never leave my vocab. No. Thank you. Exactly. Please.
I like writing. I feel less alone. I’ve felt so alone in Los Angeles these past 2 years since moving here and now I think I finally feel content about it. Solitude is quite peaceful. Being less stimulated in your day to day can feel serene. I have found living in a quiet neighbourhood confronting. Can we call Silver Lake quiet, I’m not sure, but it’s light years away from biking the cobblestoned streets of Neukölln. I have found driving to be mostly very demure. I play music in the car which soundtracks my day. It’s calm.
I saw people clapping back to Chloe Sevigny comparing La to Ny, saying people from Ny are traumatised by their environment which is why they can’t handle being in La, where the weather is nice, people are chilled out, life is pretty swell and low stress (if you’re privileged to have a car, home, income, erewhon groceries). Essentially they were saying people end up building their personalities on the extremities they live through and don’t know how to exist without chaos when they come out the other end. It’s taken me 2 years to realise I am the problem. The chaos is me, naturally.
I felt attacked by this. I grew up in Wellington, the windiest city in the world literally, then went from Ny with the coldest winters, to Berlin, a city with notoriously the most grey days and in turn most resilient people, everyone taking their Vitamin D in pill form. Suited me obvs, I was born in the middle of a blizzard during a Canadian winter. Makes sense. Arriving in La I felt confronted by the good weather and sunny disposition people seemed to have. At first I called it toxic positivity, then my acting class mates told me I had healthy negativity. I was shocked. Being negative is normal, or at least that’s what I had been conditioned to believe after living in city after city with some of the harshest winters in the world. Now I simply have less excuses for my attitude when the sun is shining every god damn day. When I talk to my friend Hrönn who lives in Iceland I am reminded of true strength.
I do think I am happier now, but sometimes I worry that my days of creating the anecdotes of my life are weaning. Every week I motivate myself to leave the house for the plot line. Like Ella said when she moved continents, we’re doing it for the memoir. So far the plot line of my life in La is taking Molly and micro dosing mushrooms. Last Friday night I rode a mechanical bull for the first time. This Saturday night I selected music for my friends for about 6 hours straight. I can’t quite claim the title of DJ yet because technically I used Spotify and an aux cord but I’d sure like to keep learning. I’m trying to have more first times. Being 31 is a trip. Feels like 21 again except I have money, or at least the people around me do. If I’m lucky I’ll live for another 70 years. I would like to live until 111 years old in fact. I’ve been told those numbers are angelic. I’d like to be an angel.
The only regret I seem to have are for the things I never did. Even if moving continents/cities 5 times in 10 years was traumatising on every level. Sexually, mentally, physically, emotionally, I’ll be like ya medicine, you’ll take every dose of me. (I’m going to Usher next month I am so excited can you tell lol, you should come). Anyway I wouldn’t change a single thing about the last decade. Or my entire life. The world suddenly seems smaller after meeting so many beautiful people in all the different nooks and crannies of it all and things feel cosy. I have family members on opposite ends of the globe. I do struggle with the concept of forever. I understand that this might come across as commitment phobic to my friends. My heart feels like it’s swelling and stretching to cover the whole globe sometimes. Hope you still love me.
Probably the most La thing I’ve started practising is transcendental meditation. The most La word I can think of is practice. Please respect me and my practise. Very mindful. Marino and I went to the TM centre in Los Feliz and a guru gave us our own personal mantras, I’m not joking it was quite unnerving actually, with all the docos on cults in California, sitting with my eyes closed in a dimly lit room with an older man who is whispering Sanskrit in my ear (talk dirty to me). Not but seriously, I resisted meditation for so many years I can’t tell you how much it frustrated me to sit still and now I know it’s because I really needed to chill the hell out. Now I meditate every morning before I have my coffee and that’s my little treat. How do you treat yourself?
I have to say I’ve stopped spiralling so much. I used to feel sad and then hold on to that heaviness and just let it slowly weigh me down to the bottom of the ocean where I would sit forever watching all the happy creatures swim by. Now I have a feeling and let it go. Even better if I can express it through words or art or movement, because existing in that flat lined, mute, nearly dead energy level, or as Kaitlyn calls it, emotional constipation, now that might be the scariest feeling in the world. So I’d rather just be rolling up and down like a wave. Boredom suddenly feels healthy and necessary. Weekends are for play and week days are for work and rest. Balance dat u?
I know Im a bit insane for wanting to act. Being in my acting era feels really embarrassing. I can’t help it okay. I’m happy to retire my dancing shoes and perform in a different way now. I rave most mornings in the kitchen when I’m making my coffee until Marino tells me to stop blasting the music so loudly and so early to save our poor neighbours sleep and hearts from resenting me. He keeps me in check. One of the reasons I’m so glad to stop pursuing dancing is seeing Raygun breakdancing on the Olympic world stage. I love her but I no longer want to be her.
I would rather be delusional in less obvious ways these days. Acting I get to be a vehicle for some else’s vision and I love that. I carry less of the blame. It’s not me, it’s a character, although the process of preparing for roles ends up so deeply personal. I’m also returning to music. The last time I was regularly playing my synth and recording songs was at the end of my time in Berlin. When I told my therapist I’m done with all my acting technique scene study improv ballet french classes here in La last Friday she couldn’t have been happier for me. I’m no longer avoiding being alone. I feel more connected to my own life force than ever when I’m at home by myself playing music, writing, dancing, singing and sitting in silence. This idea of needing to be trained or taught something to express ourselves is such a barrier for connecting to our outlets.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the type of Mother I want to be. About the type of person I want to be every day who little people mimic habits and learn from. I like the idea of waking up, meditating, making coffee and playing piano in the morning sun. Singing for my baby. I’m not pregnant but I think I would like to be in the next few years. It feels insane to want to have a baby in the U.S. I know I’m lucky to even have the choice. At first I cringed so hard imagining my kid having an American accent. I remember being teased when I moved to NZ as a small child and started school with a Canadian accent. I remember someone asking me why I always put these funny accents on when I was telling a story. I want to protect my children from being bullied.
I think we as humans are inherently mean. I think we’re born that way. We resist anything different to us. I think I would have been so much more judgemental as a person if I had never lived overseas. Not throwing shade, but more examining the young girl who had grown up on a small island country at the bottom of the world. Now I know that exposing my kids to diversity will make them kinder. I notice people saying things like “that’s so random” when they hear something they haven’t heard before. Anyway this post has been so random. I love you.
Ps. I have been feeling more basic than ever. Just a girl in the world who wear bikinis and short shorts and flip flops. She listens to pop music. I think it’s making me feel happier. I can’t stop listening to Diet Pepsi by Addison Rae. I think I get La now.
Pps. The craziest things started happening to me the minute I started writing this and over the last week since this post has sat in the drafts. A producer reached out to me about a role in a short film here in La, I’ve been given the opportunity to audition for 2 tv shows in NZ and commercial castings are coming through hot and fast from my agent. I just had an interview this morning. I can’t help but wonder if my angels love it when I write… That’s probably the most unhinged thing I’ll share with you in these blasts. The power of manifestation. It’s real… Sycronicity. All true. I’m so woo woo. Sorry not sorry. In A Dream by Rockell just came on in my house and it slaps. Those first 30 seconds are all you need to get up and live your life. Cast your spells witches. And report back on plot lines please.
Ppps. Final words, you need to read All Fours by Miranda July immediately. Thank you Fifi for the recommendation. I am forever a changed woman.
Bye!!!!!!!!!!!