Listening to Sincerely Yours, the D.A.C. by the Dirty Art Club

Letter's to my Daughter #5. The Berlin years.

Hi beautiful girl,

Been a minute since I wrote to you. We’ve had a bit on. You’re 34 weeks cooked now. In 3 short weeks you’ll be considered full term and free to come from any time. I’m excited. Except the word excited doesn’t begin to describe the depth of how much I’m resonating with the idea of meeting you. Doesn’t even scratch the surface a little bit. So many parents walk through the doors and line the streets socialising at Seco, the recurring sentiment they share with me is a “sleepy ecstasy”. Not that I would know it yet, but I already feel like I’m at my peak level of happiness. Excitement feels shallow.

Seeing Sophia and Lauren, beaming smiles at me at the shower that all of your aunties threw for us, with tears in their eyes, saying they can’t wait for us experience you, it’s unfathomable. I cannot comprehend that you will soon be in our arms. Your Dad and I both had that exact same thought yesterday. You will soon be in our arms. Maybe until now it’s felt too good to be true, we haven’t allowed ourselves to imagine meeting you. I cannot compute it. “Your brain will keep exploding” says Lauren. Hence why I’m making time to write down some stories, before the lobotomy inevitably takes place.

For so long I was so adamant about being selfish, about giving myself the time I needed to create my own identity, aside from having children, and the irony is that choosing to get pregnant has forced me to get clear on what truly makes me happy, in a way that simply wasn’t possible when I only had myself to think about. The irony is that I was willing to let myself feel bad and sad and confused for far too long, at times. Now that I have you, I don’t waste a second on anything that’s not serving me. The irony is, I could only get to this conviction after two whole decades of trial and error. So at whatever age you’re reading this, I do encourage you, slow down and do you.

Never do I want you to feel that I have missed out on anything to give you life here on Earth, there were no sacrifices, only choices. We felt the time was right now because we trust our life is ready for you to enjoy to the fullest alongside us, and I know you chose us too. For whatever reason that you did, and whatever lessons you have to teach me, I will always do my best to be the purest embodiment of love for both of us, through continuing to do all the things I need and want to in this life, so you can see how to build a life that you’re in love with too, and hopefully, you will feel at peace too.

Being happy every day used to feel like pressure to me. Living in a city filled with so much sunshine used to feel like toxic positivity. Now I look back on the girl who moved to Southern California after living through 6 Berlin Winter’s, and I can acknowledge I might have had some healthy realism inside of me, personally. But, there’s only so much you can blame on the weather before you have to get real with yourself, especially if the sun shines daily, the question becomes, how can I shine too? I hope you know this baby girl, that no matter the weather, we will love you forever, while realising you do get to wake up every day and experience today. It’s a blessing. Something Brisa taught me early on “welcome to the first day of the rest of your life” will not only apply to you in 6 weeks time, but also every day for the rest of your life...

Last piece I ended with saying home is where the house is, or house music is. We know the real cliche goes, home is where the heart is, but what if your heart feels like it’s being stretched into many different tiny pieces and gently pulled across continents? What if the people in your heart being in different places make you question your sense of home? What’s left to do when you accept you can’t be everywhere all at once? What happens to your heart when you finally release the need to be anything other than you in the present moment? Is the grass still greener on the other side, or is it greener where you water it? Is life about the destination, the journey, or the company you keep? Just a few things that sing out in my mind from time to time. Another one my wise friend Ella loves is, “wherever you go, there you are”. I believe Jon Kabat-Zinn coined it, and it serves the feeling I am speaking to.